The “Let Her Go” Approach
As a parent with an almost-three-year-old daughter, Ella, I am no stranger to a good tantrum.
A tantrum is described as, “an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child.”
Some tantrums I’ve seen in our life recently arose from:
- cutting the strawberries instead of putting the whole ones on a plate
- requiring our child to wear shoes on the playground
- our child not having a blue princess dress to put on while watching Frozen (she only has a yellow, Belle dress)
- her favorite pink bumble pajamas not being clean at bedtime
Ella is also a very strong-willed child. Sorry… I know that word is triggering to a lot of you. But it does, in fact, describe her temperament.
She wants to try to do everything by herself. Or, “by me self!” as she says. She has very strong opinions and isn’t afraid to share them.
All this means that her tantrums are something else.
And because of her personality we have come up with a system for navigating the tantrums that works for us (NOTE: I’m not giving advice, just sharing about our experience).
We have started taking what I lovingly refer to as the “Let Her Go” approach. Thank you, Elsa.
Giving her things, distracting her, asking her what she wants? None of it helps. But giving her time to get it out of her system actually works because she wants to work through it on her own.
So we “Let Her Go.”
By that I don’t mean we leave her in the sense of the phrase “letting her go.” What I mean is that we let her safely have all of her feelings until she says she’s all done.
And the other day she had a big ole nasty tantrum that she needed to get out of her system.
Funny thing is, I can’t even remember what it was about. But here is what I do remember.
As I was keeping an eye on her to make sure she was safe while also noticeably “Letting Her Go” so she could work this out, I honestly began to get a little jealous.
“I wish I could just have an outburst like that,” I thought.
Some days I think it would be so nice to just be left alone in a room to scream for 3-5 minutes. Just get it all out.
Someone just let me go until I get it out of my system.
But, of course, as adults we aren’t encouraged to get it out of our system in that particular way. Laying on the floor screaming and kicking isn’t socially acceptable.
Furthermore, as a “pathological people-pleaser,” an Enneagram 9, and an only child, the notion of having any sort of strong will or tantrum does not come naturally to me.
Being assertive, even about the smallest things, like my food order being wrong, is not hardwired in my DNA. It is something I have to practice.
Having a stronger will is something I have actively worked on, sometimes with the help of counseling. And watching my daughter as her personality continues to grow, honestly inspires me to be stronger.
This whole experience got me thinking back to all the times in ministry when I wish I had the capacity or permission to pitch a fit. Or even just the will to say what was on my mind and speak up for what I thought was right.
I had a difficult five years in ministry, and I’ve written about it for 3MMM before. I’ve also been doing a lot of soul searching since I left ministry almost five years ago.
There were so many things wrong with my time in ministry. However, what I have come to realize is that I was somewhat at fault, too.
Letting Myself Go
I didn’t stand up for myself because I feared losing my job.
I didn’t stand up for the way others were treated because I didn’t want to be ostracized.
And I didn’t question teachings because I didn’t want to create conflict.
I didn’t throw a fit when I should have.
What would my time in ministry look like if I allowed myself to speak up? To cry when things didn’t feel right? To verbalize my anger? And to show my full range of emotions? To speak my mind?
Jesus, himself, turned over tables and drove out wrongdoers in the Temple out of anger. He was angry about how people were being taken advantage of, and he did something about it.
I’m still learning a lot. Both from my time in ministry and as a mother.
But, if you’ll allow me, I do want to ask you this question: What do you need to pitch a fit about?
What is something in your life that deserves a little anger? What around you is frustrating or upsetting? Are there emotions you are holding in? How would it feel to let them go?
I might not be your mom, but I’m giving you some space and encouraging you get it out of your system.
Whenever we use this method with my daughter, in a few minutes one of us will check on her or she’ll come out of her room and say “I’m all done!”
So let it out.
Be done with it.
And then get back to playing.
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Elizabeth-Anne Lovell is a member of the 3MMM Team and Director of Digital Media. You can read more of her ministry blogs here.
